The question that always haunts my mind is what if? What if I wore the red dress instead of the blue one, would I have not tripped and ripped my tights? What if I decided to stay with my boyfriend of 4 years instead of following my heart to someone new? What if is a scary two syllable sentence that haunts my dreams. Who knew two syllables could be so powerful? It's always difficult to face the fear of choice, and yes it is a legitimate fear! One decision can not only effect your entire future, but many other futures as well. At what point do you have to just say "fuck it, I need to do this for me!" And at what point do you have to think of others before yourself, even if that means pain for you? A month ago, I took a leap of faith and decided that my choosing to do something for myself was finally here. I chose to hurt someone I love and care for deeply to pursue my own happiness. You really never know what will happen in the future, and that scares the hell out of me but how will you ever know the right path if you continously take the easy way? Sometimes it's the hard decisions that end up being the easiest answers. All you can do is keep breathing and push through, make a decision and stick with it, even if sticking with that decision feels as hard as breathing underwater. Unless your a merperson then you will feel like you are choking at times, sometimes even drowning but just keep going. Flip a coin and whatever you want most when it's in the air is the choice to make. I had to decide between someone who could very well have been the love of my life, the person ready to take me to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter and have my future engagement ring choose me at Ollivanders Wand Shop. For the Harry Potter fans out there, you will understand why this is probably the most romantic thing anyone could do for another fan. This romantic gesture came after months and months of never feeling adequate, always feeling like I had to compromise to be with him. I felt a constant sense of having to change and maneuver my life around this other life, one that was supposed to be a partner not a dictator. My father always told my sister and I that in relationships, 1 plus 1 has to equal 3. You must be independent, your partner must be independent and then your relationship must be added into that to equal 3 parts. You can't have one codependent person and an independent one because you only end up with 2. That always stuck with me because I've always felt that I become codependent with whomever I am dating because I love so fully. The problem with loving someone with your entire being is that you forget who you are without them, in my case, making me stay much longer than is healthy. In my opinion, the hardest part of a breakup is when the person you love and care for realizes what they had and try to win you back. It seems too good to be true and you think "one more chance, they will change because they love me". People don't change and honestly, they shouldn't have to change. Yes, compromise is necessary in relationships, but complete change is basically unheard of. Then you start to feel like "well how come you didn't realize what you had when you had it?" What happens to people when they become broken hearted that helps them see everything they missed for the entire relationship? It's like they all of a sudden grow a third eye that shows them how much of a douche they were. When you make the decision to hurt your partner and best friend by leaving them, you can't go back and fourth with this decision. I did and I know it did more damage than good. It just hurts your partner which in turn hurts you. I made a conscious decision to take control of my happiness, and so far it's working pretty well in my favor.
Until next time.